When we dropped our son off at college his freshman year, my tears took me by surprise. Why was I crying? Wasn’t I excited that home schooling hadn’t wrecked his future like I’d feared? Wasn’t I happy he actually got into a great school with a generous scholarship?
Back home the first few weeks, tears often filled my eyes as I adjusted to our new normal with just three people around the table.
But by Christmas break, I thought I’d made it through the adjustment. Over dinner the night before my son returned to school, I bravely announced that I’d finally recovered from the empty nest syndrome. Yet just as the words, “I’m perfectly okay that you’re leaving tomorrow” came out of my mouth, I burst into tears! At the dinner table. Another mom moment in the annals of our family history that I’ll have to live down forever.
Now three years later, I knew more about what to expect when we launched our daughter. Which only helped a wee little bit. But I’m holding on to this same truth all over again: “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
Friend, are you feeling the empty nest blues?
You are not alone. When I told my mom how I felt after dropping my daughter off at college, she got tearful because she remembered. Generations of mothers have made it through, and we will too. We can glean valuable wisdom from the book of Ecclesiastes to help us on our way.
Let’s start by declaring that this new season we’re in is beautiful:
4 Steps to Finding Joy in the Empty Nest
Grieve your Loss
Okay, so I know it sounds crazy to say, “Grieve in order to find joy.” But acknowledging grief is the first step to moving past it, so give yourself permission to grieve. The child you would give your life for in a heartbeat has left home; it’s natural and right to feel sad. Somehow it helps to remember there’s “a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).
Give Yourself Time
There is a season and time for everything, and that includes mothers adapting when kids leave home. Whether our family dynamics are changing because the oldest left home or we’re faced with a totally empty nest because the youngest just flew the coop, we need time to adapt to a new normal before we can embrace our new stage.
Try to Stay Positive
Look on the bright side. What is beautiful about the new season you’re in? I, for one, am singing loud hallelujahs over less cooking and laundry. And I love remembering that my role as a parent isn’t over. I enjoy my young adult kids more now than I ever have. I love hearing their adventures and funny stories over the phone.
Move Forward to New Challenges
These words of wisdom encourage us to stay busy enjoying our lives and work. The empty nest stage is a time for great opportunities. How about taking on a new hobby, ministry, or job? Look for opportunities to serve others and develop new relationships by reaching out to people in your community and church. Our nests may be empty, but our lives can still be full.
Let’s give thanks for the blessing of having kids we miss. Although we may grieve the loss of daily companionship with the children we love, we can enjoy new freedoms and opportunities. Life is a gift from God, so let’s stay busy enjoying ours today.
Note: This post is the third in a series, Sending Your Child to College.
You can find the first two here:
“How to Encourage Your Teen as She Starts College.”
“How to Support and Encourage Your New College Student”
Follow this link to find me on Facebook for daily encouragement.
Linking up with Kelly Balarie’s #RaRa Linkup, Mary Geisen’s #TellHisStory, Holley Gerth’s Coffee for your Heart, Crystal Storms’ #HeartEncouragement, Lyli Dunbar’s #FaithonFire, and Arabah Joy’s Grace and Truth. Check out these communities for more encouragement.
This is my son’s second week of his second year of college–and he comes home every weekend, but does that enter my head when he walks out the door at the end of the weekend? Sometimes I think all the coming and going make it harder because there’s always a goodbye to be said.
You’ve put this so well, Betsy: we’re thrilled that our homeschooling has led them to this point (unscathed!), and we’re excited for their future. And yet we mourn.
Yes, we do mourn, don’t we? That’s interesting about goodbye every weekend. (You probably have weekend cooking and laundry too, but I know you’re just so glad to see him!) My girl is in South Carolina, and we’re in Texas,so we won’t see her until Christmas. (Thanksgiving air ticket prices are ridiculous, quite a bit more than tickets for Christmas!)
Great encouragement, Betsy. Thank you!
Blessings to you, Julie!
Oh my, Betsy. We are in the same boat. I sent my oldest one off to college three years ago after homeschooling her all the way through. I was so excited. She got excellent scholarships and was she was so excited about college and I was thinking, “Whew. We did it! And it worked!” But the first time I sat down to dinner with only three of us there I cried. And the next time, and the next time, too. Now we are getting ready to send another one off next fall. It’s his senior year and we’ve been homeschooling for 16 years. It’s a little hard to think about. I really appreciate your encouragement here! It helps make the hard adjustments a little easier!
Aww, Leslie. I think I understand. May the Lord give you grace and may both you and your son enjoy this last year of home school! I homeschooled 15 years, and I do have to say, I miss my kids, but I don’t miss school! Loved it while I did it, glad when it was over. Grace to you as you run to the finish line, friend!
Great insights here, Betsy! I think these are applicable to other big changes we face too!
I never thought of that, Lesley, but I think you are right!
Yes, I remember those days, the tears, the empty chair, the quietness, the college tuitions, etc. The feeling that something was missing.
But wonder of wonders, this is the best season ever. I love the freedom and time with my husband. We got to fall in love all over again.
Just don’t tell the girls, ok?
;-}
Linda, you’re making me smile! I’ve had that same thought so many times, “Just don’t tell the kids!” Like when they were at camp back in the day and my husband and I went to the beach alone!
I cried when each one of my 3 boys went away to college, usually during most of the trip home from dropping them off at their school. To make it even worse, my hubby and I usually went out for dinner to celebrate our anniversary after dropping them off. How romantic – dinner with a wife who was blubbering over boys who were only about an hour away! I eventually did come to love our empty nest, though. Just wait until grandkids come along. Your nest will not feel empty!
Thanks for sharing your story, Laurie. That is quite a story about your anniversary! It’s good to know I’m not the only one, and I AM already enjoying the perks of living solo with my husband.
I am cheering for you, Betsy! Wrapping your mind and heart around being an empty nester is not for the faint of heart. As Michele said above, when they are coming and going it is harder because there are more “goodbyes.” But the blessing is that I love the adults my sons have become. They bring such joy and I will always be their mom. It just looks different.
Thanks for your encouragement, Mary! There is so much to love about the empty nest as well! But yes, I see that the relationships with our kids change. I also love my young adult kids to pieces, enjoy them so much.
Important post, Betsy. So many need these words of encouragement. xo #faithonfire
Thanks so much, Kristi. I wish we could have coffee and talk about this together!
Great tips. And not just for the new season of empty nest, but other seasons in life. I have one gone and one at home. I agree with Michele, goodbyes are the hardest. I don’t miss the first one so much, until she comes home and it is time to say goodbye again.
I know what you mean, Theresa. My mother always cried when we said goodbye. Even last month–I’m 54–she teared up as we said goodbye after spending the weekend with her!