I now realize what a brave man my husband was to take on a control queen like me when we married. Our power struggle started on the honey moon, when the poor guy tried to suggest a restaurant where we could eat dinner.
Seriously, one of my spiritual gifts happens to be leadership, very awkward for a woman in the context of marriage. If I’m not careful, my control queen tendencies crop up and cause problems. Only by God’s grace, my husband and I have enjoyed a 20 year marriage. We’re learning to work through our differences and make love our top priority.
While I hope I’ve come a long way since the “Let’s-fight-about-where-to-eat” days, my family still gets a good laugh out of the classic line from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Toula’s mother says, “The man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.”
Apparently Toula’s mom had control queen tendencies too. Is it just me, or do you also spend lots of energy trying to turn that head the way you want? Sometimes we map out our own plans or programs and then hope to get our husbands on board. We ask ourselves, “Why can’t he just see things my way?”
For the sake of my marriage, I’m learning to ask a better question:
Do I want my own way or a better relationship?
Maybe it’s helpful to look again at God’s design for marriage:
The Amplified version of this verse offers valuable insight. The wife who respects her husband treasures him, honors him, treats him with loving concern, and holds him dear. Isn’t that a beautiful picture of the kind of wives we want to be?
How about making an effort to change the landscape of our marriages this week? You may not need this, but I do. I want to step beyond the “Me and My Way First” mindset to focus on honoring my husband instead.
10 Ways to Honor your Husband
1. Listen when he talks. Remember that just yesterday you were complaining about his cave man tendencies? So if he talks today, look into his eyes and listen.
2. Show him that you value his counsel by asking his opinion about your decisions, especially concerning your kids. You’ll benefit from his good ideas.
3. Honor him before your children. Tell them often how grateful you are for such a wonderful husband. Defend his decisions when they complain about how Dad won’t let them go to the concert or just doesn’t get it.
4. Express appreciation for his work and abilities.
5. Speak highly of him to your friends and family.
6. Encourage and support his projects and dreams.
7. Don’t question every decision he makes. Use discernment regarding how and when to express your opinions.
8. Never say “I told you so” when things turn out wrong.
9. Respect and respond to his need for physical intimacy.
10. Be willing to help when he needs something.
As we take our focus off of ourselves in order to do a better job of honoring our husbands, we reap the rewards of a better relationship. Friends, I get it wrong some days, but I’m learning that respect is the most valuable gift I can give to my husband.
Now it’s your turn. Which of these areas could you focus on improving this week?
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I’m linking up with Holly Barrett’s #TestimonyTuesday, Kelly Balarie’s #RaRaLinkup, Holley Gerth’s Coffee for your Heart, Crystal Storms’ #HeartEncouragement, and Arabah Joy’s Grace and Truth. Check out these communities for more encouragement.
I’m not married, but I love your suggestions, Betsy. It seems like many of these would improve any of our relationships! Always happy to see you at Testimony Tuesday.
Yes, Holly, you’re absolutely right that these would improve any relationship! Thanks for hosting Testimony Tuesday, friend.
Wow, did I need this to encourage my heart today. Just yesterday,over a tearful conversation with a couple Bible study friends, I broke down to tears in frustration of my marriage. After almost 10 years of marriage and two little girls, we still have a tremendous problem communicating. I’m the spiritual leader of the family, and I have the same leadership struggles you speak of. #relate!!! These things you speak of are amazingly simple things I can aim to do better on every day.
Thank you so much for sharing!!
Happy Tuesday,
Megs
Oh Meg, I’m praying for you now! Hang in there! Things can get better. I hope these simple things help. I’m praying that God will get your husband and you both the help you need in communication, whether it’s a marriage retreat, counselling, or a book. (So hard for the woman to suggest!!!!) About 8 years ago, I was at a place where I thought, “Hmmn, I understand why couples get divorced.” Just that thought scared me, and my husband and I took a DVD marriage course, which proved to be a turning point.
Praying for that turning point in your marriage, sweet friend. May the Lord encourage you day by day.
Thank you so much for praying for me and encouraging me, today. God totally reached out to me through you… I love what a personal and faithful God He is to search us out and help us when we are in need…often by extending the graceful care of another person. #awesomeness.
Hey Betsy … I’m getting ready to do a little marriage mini-series in the next few weeks … your post made me smile and say ‘yes, yes’ over and over again!
;-}
Thank you, Linda! May God use your series.
I love this! Your list is perfect and I am actually going to share it with my older son’s fiancee. She tends to be a strong leader and I hope she will keep this list as a reminder of how to honor her soon to be husband.
Wow, you just had one son get married, right? And the other one has a fiance? Busy times for the Geisen family. May the Lord give you wisdom and a great relationship with your soon-to-be daughter-in-law.
So thankful to have found your blog! I think it is difficult when my husband really believes he knows what is right and I suggest another idea or viewpoint and he gets ruffled over it and points out all the reasons my idea is wrong. You know, most if the time it isn’t worth arguing about. In fact, I find that if I exercise enough self control to keep my mouth shut, we can move on without further conflict or anger. And sometimes, he’ll come back to discuss my idea or talk further, but only because I did not shut the door on it with disprepect and anger.
Boy is this difficult sometimes because I often think I am right and he’s way off. However, I think “if we go his way on this, or I keep quiet and don’t challenge his opinion, what’s the worse that can happen?” Just like you said, do I want to be right or do I want a good marriage? Almost every single time harmony with my husband is the most important thing. And I have yet to see a time I practiced self control, when the the situation went better than if I tried to exert my power and control. Also, the less I dig in my heels, the more often he hears me when I do. He knows it is important when I take a stand.
Yes, Kathryn. I’m praying for your marriage right now, friend. I’ve been there and walk that road every day! When you think about your husband’s side, of course it can be threatening to have a woman making suggestions all the time, like I tend to want to do! May the Lord encourage your husband and help him grow in the role of wise leader, and may He give you wisdom too. Sounds like you’re learning to handle these things well. It’s so true that when we let things go and give in for the sake of relationship, they’re more likely to listen when we do have a difference of opinion, because that’s not happening every day. Well said, Kathryn!
I don’t know that I’m the strong leader type, but I know I saw a couple areas where I step in it big time!!! Think I’ll print this out to have in my journal as a reminder to cherish him more than clash with him 😉 Thanks, Betsy! Hugs and blessings, friend!
I love that Christine: CHERISH him more than CLASH with him. So good!
Thank you for this encouraging list, Betsy. Now, to become consistent in each 10 things! I’ve got work to do. Have a great day, sister!
Oh yes, Sabra. So easy to write or read this list, more challenging to actually do these things consistently!
My heart needed this!
Glad for that Jodie. May the Lord fill your heart with His love for you today.
I think the one about speaking highly of your husband is really important. I really dislike being part of a group of women who are all complaining about their husbands. If a woman is really struggling in her marriage and perhaps there is abuse or some other serious issue, then she should definitely seek help from a counselor or pastor or whatever source she can use to get support and help; I certainly wouldn’t suggest in that case that the woman not “complain.” But in the day-to-day stresses and routines of life I think it’s all too easy to complain and gripe in an unproductive way, just to vent and not really to solve issues. Speaking respectfully to, and about, our partner is an important habit to develop.
You’re such a wise woman, Jeannie. I don’t like being around women who complain about their husbands either. I think when we complain and gripe, it gets us in a negative frame of mind. And speaking respectfully gets us into a more positive mindset. And you’re right about seeking help when it’s needed. So important.
Needing this post this week. It’s been a hard season for my husband and to try and lighten things up, last night I surprised him with a bunch of clues that led him to his favorite restaurant — The Cheesecake Factory. It was amazing, but then the realities of life returned once we got home. These are great reminders to help keep our marriage strong as we battle all of my health issues. <3
Oh Lauren, health issues DO put a strain in marriage. What a good idea to try to lighten things up. I’m praying now for your marriage. Surely brighter days are ahead. 🙂 May God strengthen and encourage you, friend.
Betsy, such a spot-on post! One of the biggest lessons I learned about my husband early in our marriage is how intrinsic his need for respect is. After bickering with him over a silly thing, I realized I had just dis-respected him. Since then, I have made it a mission to understand how he receives respect, and what disrespect looks like in his eyes. Unfortunately most of my lessons in learning how he feels disrespected have come as a result of my own mistakes. Sigh. But I’m learning and I don’t show him nearly the disrespect I used to. 🙂
I’m so glad we’re neighbors this week. 🙂
You are so right, Jeanne. Sometimes what we view as just a “discussion” or “question,” they can view as a challenge to their authority. So important to realize. This is still hard for me sometimes, but I’m learning too!
Gosh Betsy, the Lord has had me undone over this very topic the past week. I have been praying for my marriage fervently and the impression I got while deep in prayer was do I want to uphold my pride or the promises of Jesus more…? ouch. Thank you for a very timely post ♥
Praying for you too right now, Heather. May the Lord bless your marriage and make it a source of blessing to others.
Thank you Betsy ♥
Your story made me laugh, Betsy. As someone who is strong-headed and does not like to be told what to do, I value your 10 Ways for my marriage.
So have you fought about what restaurant to eat at with your husband too, Rachel? I’m laughing here myself.
Betsy, I completely get it! I’m the typical leader-type-A-personality wife, though I must add my husband (who has the exact opposite personality as I) has led successfully for decades as coach and athletic director at a Christian university. #7 would be my needs-to-work-on point. Thanks for this encouragement. (Visiting from #TellHisStory today.)
I could use work on #7 myself, Karlene. Mostly I just give thanks that God gave me such a kind, secure man for a husband! I’m working on things and so is he!
OH, this is rich! I loved your practical tips — and your frank admission that this is an area of growth for you. Me too. And I’d completely forgotten about the neck that turns the head line! Such an easy trap to fall into!
Thanks, Betsy!
Thank you, Michele. Definitely an area where I need to keep growing. I’m so blessed to be married to such a great man. 🙂
Wow! I guess I need to watch “My Greek wedding”, honestly what a great line. I believe that sometimes my mother suffers from the control bug with my father but He admitted to me just a few years ago that some of it was His doing. Now that He suffers from Alzheimer’s he needs her more than ever! I love these tips that you share and I will be sharing this post today Betsy. i always feel like I learn something valuable when i visit here. Always remember that God has you exactly where He wants you for this specific time. Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt and honest post. May God continue to richly bless you and yours!
Yes, Horace, I think many women suffer from that control bug, and men often do play a role, that’s our sin nature inherited from Adam and Eve! But we can overcome it. Thanks so much for your encouragement. You’re a bright light.
Betsy, does #10 mean I have to mow the lawn? 😉 Your list is both wise and practical. I often am reluctant to go to my husband to ask his opinion about certain topics, like writing for example. But I’m always so blessed by his council when I do. Truly, as it should be, no one knows me better than he does. He truly understands my heart, my anxieties, and those little tendencies that drive me (and him) bonkers. He’s always so supportive and I’m always so grateful to hear his advice. Thanks for cultivating a heart for our husbands in us.
Ha ha ha, Tiffany. That’s pretty funny about mowing the lawn. Yes, I also find that when I ask my husband for advice, he always has something good and helpful to say. Tonight I was waffling about going to vote, and he said, “Go! I’ll finish dinner.” I was so glad I did.
Betsy,
Can I say “All of the above”? I really need to work on listening and by that I mean listening without interrupting with interjections. I need to completely hear my husband out. These are ALL great reminders!! One of the best marriage “tips” I received was to try to out love your spouse every day…what would our marriages look like if we all did that? Good stuff here Betsy – as usual!
Blessings,
Bev
ps. Love that movie lol.
Outlove your spouse! That is great. And yes, listening can be so hard to do well in our noisy world.
It’s funny, but the way we rub each other the wrong way the most is in the kitchen (how to load the dishwasher, how to make muffins, etc. etc.) I’ve learned to not question his methods and just enjoy the results (students will do just about anything to win one of the muffins he makes, so who am I to knitpick over how he mixes the ingredients?).
That’s great that your husband works in the kitchen, Anita! I k now what you mean. We have our differences on how to do things to. I often correct, explain, etc., but I try to catch myself and just say, “Thank you” instead. Like you’re saying here. 🙂
Thank you for this list of ways to better honor our husbands and our marriages. I could do better…
We recently attended a marriage conference and are attending a weekly Bible study called, Love and Respect. We are learning to love each other better and not let past hurts dictate our future. For us, this has been so helpful. Thank you for imparting your wisdom from 20-years of marriage!
That’s great that you were able to go to a marriage conference. I wonder if your study is based on the book Love and Respect? At first I had some problems with that book (like it shifted more responsibility towards women!!!) but the more I read it, the more I appreciated and understood what he was saying.
I read this from Tuesday Talk and tweeted, liked, pinned, everything but didn’t get a chance to comment until today. Great post, love how you wove the Greek movie into it. This is always something I struggle with. Been praying more lately about focusing on him and then you wrote this! Thanks for listening to the Holy Spirit and writing from your heart. Feel free to check up on me! 😉
Yes, we always laugh at that movie. So many things in common with our Turkish culture. I know what you mean about focusing more on your husband. My heart’s desire as well here. Praying now for your marriage to be even more blessed, friend!
These are great reminders. Honoring our husbands is so important and in our busyness, it’s easy to overlook him or take him for granted.
Yes, Elizabeth, I can relate to that. We get so busy, we blow on past them! I’m praying for grace to focus more on my husband.
Encouraging list, Betsy! One we wives need to constantly review and use to check ourselves! Have a blessed day!
Thank you for the encouragement. Yes, I need to check up on myself constantly!
Some of these ways I am good at, but others…yikes. Thanks for the reminders on how to honor my husband!
Oh I know just what you mean, Emily. This is a challenge for me too. I wrote this to myself, sister!