“If we decided not to be Christians anymore, would we still be part of this family?” my son asked. His question shocked me.
“Of course you would,” I said. “Dad and I would be sad, but we’ll always love you no matter what.”
The question opened the door to a great conversation about faith and family, but it shocked me for two reasons. I wondered if my son was actually contemplating a decision to reject Christianity. I also wondered if we had somehow conveyed that our love for him was conditional to his following Christ.
As Christian parents, of course we want to pass our faith on to our kids.
When our children were small, my husband and I started family devotional times. We kept things short and simple. We read Bible stories and prayed. When they started middle school, we graduated to reading the actual Bible. Each night, we’d read a passage and ask, “What’s your favorite verse here?”
By the time they reached high school, we encouraged them to take ownership of daily Bible reading for themselves. We’d hand out Bible reading plans, and over breakfast, we’d give each person the opportunity to share what had encouraged or challenged them from their morning reading.
Our kids made personal decisions to trust Christ for salvation. We pray they’ll own their decision by living out their faith for the rest of their lives.
But ultimately the decision to follow Christ is theirs.
When my son left for college, I worried. Would he have his devotional time? Would he go to church? His first semester, one of his classes—ironically a Christian Scriptures survey—challenged the authority of the Bible.
“This is a weed out class for Christians, mom,” he said. “If you make it through the class with your faith still intact, you’re set for life.”
I worried even more, but I did my best to keep praying.
And you know what? My son still tries to read the Bible and pray each day. His expression of faith looks a bit different from mine, but he attends church. He called the other day to tell me how God answered one of his prayers.
My daughter starts college in the fall. I know this will be a testing time. As our children approach adulthood, they need us to pray for them and support them. They need us to continue sharing our personal faith in authentic ways and to create an atmosphere open to dialogue. And they need to know one thing about us:
Our kids need to know we’ll love them no matter what.
Our children may make mistakes that cause us grief. They may stop going to church, have pre-marital sex, or try drugs. They might marry non-believers or leave the faith, but they’ll still need to know we love them.
When we show unconditional love to our children, we mirror God’s love
God didn’t wait for us to clean up our lives before he loved us. He loved us while we were sinners. To reflect His love to our children, we need to love them no matter what.
Author Franky Schaeffer wrote a beautiful “Tribute to my Evangelical Mom” after his mother Edith Schaeffer’s death. His tribute touches my heart because he describes how His mother loved him when he took drugs as a teen, when his girlfriend got pregnant, and when he made other choices she disagreed with. “Mom stood with me when I dropped out of the evangelical religion altogether,” he writes.
Now a grandfather himself, Schaeffer says he ultimately discovered the truth of a loving God through His mother’s life-long example. His tribute to his mom ends with the poignant words, “I know I’ll hear her voice again. You win, Mom. I believe.”
I hope my kids will stick with following Christ, but even if they don’t, I want to be a mother like Edith Schaeffer. One who loves her kids no matter what.
Friend, if you are struggling with heartbreak over a wayward child, I want to encourage you to entrust your child into God’s faithful hands.
Continue demonstrating God’s steadfast love. Keep praying, becaue you never know when your prodigal will return home. Even if your child is wavering, do all you can to enjoy your own relationship with God and continue growing in your faith. And tell your child today, “I love you.”
Because ultimately, love always wins.
Note: This post was re-edited from my archives.
Follow this link to find me on Facebook. Follow me for daily encouragement and a quick video each Thursday.
Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee’s #TellHisStory. Holley Gerth’s Coffee for your Heart, Crystal Storms’ #HeartEncouragement, Brenda Bradford Ottinger’s #ChasingCommunity, Lyli Dunbar’s #FaithonFire, and Arabah Joy’s Grace and Truth. Check out these communities for more encouragement.
Photo Credit: Melika
Excellent post, Betsy! So encouraging to me as I embark on my years as a mom of teens. Thank you! Sharing on Pinterest and Twitter.
Blessings to you on your journey with teens! Have fun!
I love your wisdom but also how you share from your own firsthand experience. Neither of my sons have asked me questions like your son did, but parenting adult children requires a deep sense of respect, constant listening, and the reassurance that we love them no matter what. Thank you for your words. You are making a difference.
Thank you, Mary! That means so much coming from you. I know I could learn so much from you about being a parent to adults. It’s a whole new game, but I’m enjoying it so far. Yes to the constant listening and reassurance. That’s what my own my gave me. I’ve always known I was one of her favorite people. I want to give that gift to my kids.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I don’t remember how I found it, but it reached me, and it continues to reach me. Thank you for your posts!
Thanks so much, Patty! That is so sweet of you to let me know. Blessings to you and yours. <3
Being the mom of a daughter and son both in their 30’s, I completely agree. The best thing we can teach and show them is an unconditional love, the same love Jesus has for us. YES, YES!
I’m sure you could teach me a lot about being a mother of adult children, Debby! Blessings to you.
Just amen and amen! Looking fwd to life with your family next door.
Thank you!
Yes, unconditional love is the most important thing. It provides a safe place to work through the questions and doubts!
Yes, it does, Lesley. Our kids need to know they’re safe with us!
Our daughter turned away from Christ, not during college, but when she decided to have an affair at 29. I can still hear her defiant words, “I don’t care what God says. And besides, King David did this with Bathsheba.” She refused to remember the heartache, shattered family, and generations of sin that followed David’s choices. The consequences of Kimberly’s decision to walk away from God were devastating, of course. God honored His promise in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Kim rededicated her life to Christ. Cling to that promise! God is always good. He loves our children more than we do, and He is faithful.
What a testimony about your daughter, Debbie! I know that must have been a trial by fire for you. I’m so sorry. Praising God here for His faithfulness to you and your daughter. He is steadfast in faithfulness to us, even when we stray from Him.
This is beautiful truth, Betsy, and timely for me as the kids just keep growing and going!
I’ve noticed in myself a tendency to expect a standard of commitment and clarity of doctrine in my kids that I may not even have secured at their ages, so it’s important for us as mums, as we pray for and evaluate the lives of our kids, to rest a bit in the grace that has carried us on our own journeys of faith.
That’s an interesting comment, Michele. I’ve noticed that same tendency in myself as I seek to encourage local sisters here in my country to grow: we expect them to be as we are NOW! Forgetting it’s taken us 30 years to get here! 🙂 I appreciate you.
LOVE this! Though raised in faith, I was a wayward teen. But it was those years of straying that finally made me understand grace on a more intimate level! Excellent and encouraging post, friend! Blessings!
Thanks so much, Liz. I appreciate your perspective, Liz. So encouraging. I have a wayward daughter of the heart, so this is encouraging to read.
Wonderful post, Betsy. I love the quote from Franky Schaeffer. How beautiful to know the power of a mom’s faith and prayers and also that even into his later years, he knew the love of his mother for him. Just beautiful!
I loved it too. I remember reading the closing paragraphs of his article to my family, and when I got to those words, I cried!
i love your emphasis on unconditional love, Betsy. it trumps that fear that lingers and lets hope shine. these are the difficult years as we release our kids to be themselves.
our prayers continue … maybe stronger and more fervent than ever …
bless you in this sometimes difficult process, friend …
Thank you for sharing your wisdom here, Linda. I appreciate you!
Dear Betsy, to me, this is the best advice a parent could be given. Seven years ago when our adult son made a life changing decision, we had a choice. Praise God, He stepped in to help us make the right one. While we held to our belief system, we assured him he would always be our son, and we would always love him. To make sure he believed it, a couple of years later the Lord allowed events to play out so that he moved back home from out of state. The three years he lived with us helped the three of us to forge stronger relationships than ever before. No matter their ages, kids need to know mom and dad will always love them, no matter what. Thanks and blessings for the reminder, Betsy!
Wow! Thanks for this beautiful testimony of the life-transforming power of God’s love, Alice. I’m praying for you and your family now.
Betsy, this is such a good post. I remember when Edith died and I read what Franky wrote. It was so encouraging to me to keep on loving even if any of my children walk away. I have learned to trust Him and to pray. He loves them more than I do and can do what I cannot. Blessings to you! Thanks for sharing your heart here.
I’ve never forgotten those last lines to the article, Gayl. It spoke such victory and peace: “You win, Mom. I believe.” Blessings to you as you parent.