What if you knew a simple secret for better relationships with the people you love? This simple gift can make us better wives, parents, and friends when we give it generously. It can make us wiser counsellors. It’s one of the most precious gifts we can give someone, yet it’s not as easy as it sounds.
Listening is a gift we can give every day, and if we do it well, it brings life to our relationships. Don’t you love that feeling of being understood when someone leans in and listens to you? We feel valued when someone seeks to understand us, and we have a hard time developing rapport with people who constantly jump in to interrupt or share their thoughts too quickly.
But we all know listening isn’t as easy as it sounds.
My tendency to distraction affects my relationships. As a busy wife, mom, and church leader, one of my biggest battles is being present. Many nights I sit down to dinner with my family, and the conversation goes something like this:
“Mom,” my daughter says. “Did you hear that?”
“What do you want for your birthday?” I ask my husband.
“I already told you,” he answers. “Didn’t you hear me?”
You can imagine how this makes my family feel! So one of my goals this year is to grow to be a better listener. You might need to grow your listening skills too, and the book of James offers us this practical wisdom for better relationships:
James’ advice speaks loudly to me because not only do I get distracted in conversations, I also tend to jump in with my own comments or give advice quickly. Or even worse, I let frustration make me quick to speak.
4 Keys to Better Relationships
In the heat of a conflict, listening before we air out our own anger can save us. Yet even in ordinary, everyday moments, the gift of listening communicates love, honor, kindness, and consideration. Listening helps us build bridges with the people we love.
So I’m on a mission to learn to put the brakes on my mouth and slow down enough to really listen to people. Can you think of anyone in your life who might need you to listen more? Here are 4 steps we can take to become better listeners:
1. Give the Gift of Undivided Attention.
Listening begins with giving the other person your undivided attention. Instead of glancing at our phones, shuffling papers, or folding laundry, let’s slow down to look at the person speaking to us.
2. Ask Ourselves, “What Does this Person Need?”
Does the person talking to us have a need? Are they trying to pass on information, connect emotionally, or do they simply want some company? Does the person want help and advice, or do they just want to be listened to? Let’s try to respond according to the need of the person talking.
3. Listen without Interrupting.
Why is this so hard? So often I get excited and chime in with my reaction, or I jump in with my opinion. What if we make an effort to wait for the other person to finish talking?
4. Listen for Understanding
Proverbs 18:2 says, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Ouch! All too often, this is me: delighting to share my own thoughts. What if we listened not just to respond, but to actually understand? This Psychology Today article suggests that three words send a powerful message that the person we’re talking to matters: “Tell me more.”
Let’s cultivate better relationships by listening to people today. Which one of these 4 steps do you need most? Do you know someone who may need a listening ear? It might be a co-worker, a child, or your husband. Listening might just be the best gift you can give them.
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Oh Betsy, this is a message I needed to hear today! I’m in the season of life with two young children and constant questions, ranging from “Why?” (about everything from why the garbage man comes to why we brush our teeth, to long and thoughtful questions about why God allows people to suffer. Sometimes, I find myself longing to zone out and find a quiet bubble, but we give a real gift when we open ourselves up and truly listen. Thanks for these words today!
Oh Stacey, my heart goes out to you! I’m in the season with a young adult and a teen, and sometimes I still find myself longing for that quiet bubble. But especially with my teen girl, I keep remembering my days with her at home are numbered, so I do need to grow in listening! Grace to you today!
Betsy these are words I keep seeing over and over lately. Even my DIL was talking to me this weekend about a book she is reading to help with raising children and it says to touch that child if you want them to listen and look at them.
Love your wisdom here and I’ve been guilty of trying to cut in and share my own story when someone is sharing theres because I might forget that point, but it’s not about me and like you say we need to wait and listen until they finish. I’m working on this from now on. Thanks.
I’m also one of those who quickly starts sharing my story, Debbie. I really want to grow. 🙂
My initial reaction when the gift of listening was unveiled here in your post, Betsy, was “Gah!” It’s an area in which I struggle. My chatterbox mouth and busybody self often race through life to place checks on those life lists. Meanwhile, folks stand along the sidelines as I race right past conversations and prime listening opportunities. Your words ring as good encouragement, my friend. xo #raralinkup
Gah! is right, Kristi. I’m not such a great listener either. As you describe, I too miss many great opportunities. Writing this post to myself, so that I then have to work to live it out, is my first step to better listening in 2018. 🙂
I love this, Betsy. Too often we’re preparing our next witty remark or butting in or planning our grocery list instead of offering this focused grace of listening well.
We all long to know that our words matter, that we matter. What a gift to offer another …
Focused grace. I love the way you put that, Linda. So good! I wish we could sit down for a nice cup of coffee, so I could listen to your wisdom, friend!
This is so good, Betsy. As you suggest here, real listening involves sacrifice — sometimes just sacrificing that impulse to respond to THEIR story with MY story and pulling the focus back to myself. Of course there is a time for back-and-forth sharing, but sometimes the truly wise and sacrificial thing to do is to let our sharing wait for another day. Asking ourselves what the other person needs )and what the conversation needs) is such a good suggestion. I appreciate this today.
Sacrifice. I never thought of it using that word, but you are so right! Of course back and forth sharing is also good at the right time! I’m trying to learn to ask “What do they need right now?” Thanks for reading, Jeannie. I appreciate you.
Betsy,
I can really relate to your examples. I am the queen of “half listening”. I know my husband has had to remind me countless times that he’s told me something already. I am really trying to work hard at stopping my runaway mind and being present in the moment. I also need to hear someone out completely without butting in with my two cents. It’s hard work being a good listener, but well worth the effort. Thanks for this timely reminder!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Oh I’m the queen of butting in with my two cents, Bev! I love the way you put that. 🙂 Trying to grow here, friend. Trying to grow. One step at a time.
Love these words of wisdom today, Betsy! I really have to do the second one with my Littles. 😉
Grace to you, Kelly! It’s a challenging stage you’re in. (And it goes from challenging to near impossible! But God…)
Dear Betsy, thank you for the reminder and strategies to make the most of listening. I’m frequently frustrated when my husband’s seemingly lack of listening. Sadly, I don’t reflect often enough on how well I’m turning in to him. Thanks and blessings for this subtle, but powerful, call to action.
Oh Alice, I know listening is a two way street, isn’t it? Praying for you and your husband now, friend, for grace and acceptance, compassion.
OH, OUCH!
Faithful wounds here, my friend.
I struggle with lassoing my ears and my brain to listen with good, remembering attention to the real live words of my family.
Thanks for this challenge.
Me too, friend. Me too. Thanks for your encouragement.
Excellent post, Betsy. Sharing on Twitter and Pinterest!
Thanks, Sarah. xoxoxo I appreciate you.
Oh Betsy-this speaks right to my heart! It’s like you’re right here with me and I need this as much as you did. And, it completely goes with my theme for this week, too! (stay tuned for tomorrow’s post!) Thanks as always for the encouragement I need!
Can’t wait to read what you have to say, Jill!
Being a good listener does not come naturally because we are naturally consumed with ourselves. It takes work to fully focus on someone speaking without wanting to interject our own brilliant thoughts;). Here’s what I try to do: make a mental note of what I want to say and store it for when they are finished. If I remember it, good. If I don’t, it wasn’t that important after all, and let it go. I believe if God wanted me to say it, He’d allow me to remember it at the appropriate time:)
That’s a great tip, Melinda! I do appreciate you. And yes we’re naturally consumed with ourselves and our own brilliant thoughts, aren’t we? You nailed it!
Oooh, yes. So good, Betsy. Thank you. Especially the point about undivided attention. Much needed conviction over here!
Nothing should be more important than listening to the ones I love. It really is all it takes to show I love them, so I need to work on it!
Listening-without interrupting- for understanding is something I definitely need to get in the habit of. This very topic has been coming up for me very often, I think God is trying to tell me something! Definitely going to start being intentional about that 🙂 Thanks for these powerful reminders!
Oh Nicole, you and me both, friend. So often I interrupt to chime in or add my own story. Want to work on listening more intently.
Thank you for this post. Its very inspiring.
Thanks for reading.
Such good tips, friend. More and more I realize that when we wait for others to speak, and genuinely hear them, they will share their hearts and hurts. Most folks are just waiting to feel that someone cares enough to listen. Thanks for these words today, Betsy. xoxo
Yes, I want to work at getting better at saying, “Tell me more.” Not in those exact words, but trying to let people know I’m open to continuing to listen.
This is so spot on Betsy🤗🤗
Great to be here. Happy New Year 😂😚
Thanks for stopping by, friend!
Betsy,
Do you have any advice? I would appreciate some words of wisdom. I have a teenage son who is extremely quiet – with everyone. His most used remarks are “I don’t know” and “I don’t care”. He is not one to get into trouble or stir the waters. Any idea on how to draw him out of his shell? I would love to be able to listen to him!
Lynette, I’m saying a prayer now for you and your son. May the Lord open doors for a better relationship. Are there things he likes to do that you could do together? Sometimes guys like to “do things” rather than talk… Do you eat meals together? Some people are just naturally more quiet…Praying for wisdom for you. Does he show any signs of depression?
He doesn’t show signs of depression. He regularly attends youth group activities. We do eat together as a family. His friends often say that he doesn’t say much, but when he speaks you want to make sure you don’t miss it because his comments tend to be funny!
Maybe he’s more of an action guy than a talker. Sounds like you have a good relationship. <3 Blessings!
Thank you!
Betsy, thank you for this focus on listening. It’s such a valuable thing to do and sometimes is so hard, but if we will make the effort it makes all the difference in the world in our relationships. Thank you for the reminder today!
It IS hard, Leslie, especially when our minds are busy. Slowing down helps me, and yes, it does make all the difference, like you say!
This is one of my goals this year, to be a better listener. I loved the practical suggestions you give here. Thank you for sharing at Grace and Truth. I would love to feature this post tomorrow!
Thanks so much for featuring this, Dawn. I took a blog break last week while on a marriage retreat with my husband. When I came back, this encouraged me to no end!