My husband and I recently celebrated twenty two years of a marriage that almost didn’t happen. After four years of a stormy, long-distance relationship, Jose’s proposal was anything but romantic.
He had come to visit me, and after a weekend of arguing, we’d finally said goodbye since he had to catch his plane home. Sad because our time together was over and convinced our relationship had ended, I was at home sobbing. When the doorbell interrupted my tears, I almost didn’t answer it.
To my utter shock, Jose stepped inside, kissed me, and shoved a ring on my finger.
“We’re going to get married. Do you hear me?” he said.
Then he went back out to the taxi to get to the airport. The ring on my finger didn’t make me feel anything like I’d imagined it would. I still felt miserable and insecure.
Amazingly, we’re still married 22 years later, but I wouldn’t recommend this way of starting out.
By God’s grace, my husband and I enjoy a mostly happy marriage, yet we’ve had our share of struggles. If you’re married, I bet you have too. Conflict comes with any relationship between two people who are alive and breathing. But we can avoid needless conflict by taking proactive steps towards a more peaceful relationship.
I’m learning 3 steps towards a more peaceful marriage:
1. Have Realistic Expectations.
When I married Jose, I thought he’d make me happy, and that didn’t happen like I imagined it would. On one hand, he makes me the happiest woman in the world. Yet some days I still feel depressed, lonely, or misunderstood, just like before I married, and my husband can’t meet my needs like Jesus can.
Unmet expectations cause conflict, and I realize more every year how unrealistic mine can be. Often I expect Jose to:
- Notice something’s bothering me and ask about it.
- Listen to my venting and show sympathy like my best girlfriend would.
- Love me perfectly, even when I’m acting unreasonably.
In other words, I’m expecting him to fulfill the roles of Mind Reader, Girlfriend, and Jesus.
2. Look to God to Meet Your Needs First.
My new marriage mantra is “Let your husband know your needs, but look to God to meet your needs.” I’m doing my best to learn how to communicate my needs, but give Jose freedom to respond as he can. When I look to God first, I don’t need my husband quite as desperately.
Ultimately no one loves me like Jesus does. When I focus on Jesus’ love first, I’m freer to love my husband with no strings attached and receive the love he’s able to give.
3. Accept Your Mate as He Is.
When we married, I had an unconscious, undercover mission: to change Jose into a female clone of Betsy. Of course, I didn’t think of it in quite those terms, but wouldn’t life be easier if he thought and did everything just like I did?
I still revert back to that mission from time to time, but both of us have come a long way in learning to accept and give freedom to the other person. If we focus on the positive things we like about our husbands, nagging irritations grow smaller and lose their hold on us. When we encourage their dreams (even when we secretly wonder if they might just be crazy) we’re letting go of control and trusting God to lead them.
Friend, I still have days when I get bent out of shape because Jose can’t read my mind, be my girlfriend, or be my Jesus, but I’m making slow progress. When we look to God to meet our needs and accept what the other person is able to give, more peace results. Which one of these steps could you try today?
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Betsy, good morning! Love love love this post. Where were you 40 years ago? I could have used these three profound reminders.
Especially #2. Mmm … and #3, too.
Marriage is hard work, pure and simple. The lessons we learn along the way point us to our need for a Savior, for forgiveness, for grace.
Learning to say ‘I’m sorry, will you please forgive me’ is a lifeline that makes us humble and aware of our part in the seemingly unresolvable situations that continue to come up.
Thanks for putting this on the table today …
Thanks, Linda. It is hard work, but yields so many blessings, doesn’t it? And yes, that simple apology can work wonders. In a few weeks I’ll write on conflict resolution.
So true. Practicing these lessons after 40 years of marriage is still important.
Wow, have you been married 40 years, Debbie? Amazing!
Betsy,
Excellent post. I used to be the queen of Great Expectations. Like you, I expected my husband to be able to read my mind my moods and my behavior. I’ve come to find that this is very unrealistic. Loving your mate just as they are with no strings attached is indeed difficult, but we are able to do that in God’s strength only. I often pray for the ability to love my husband the way God would have me love him. Thanks for great insights.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Queen of Great Expectations. You’re making me smile, Bev. I’m one too. Learning to let go of those.
Betsy, I wish I’d understood these steps so many years earlier rather than having to learn them the hard way. Thank you for articulating your empowering mantra! Congratulations and blessings for you and Jose!
Thanks so much, Alice. I know what you mean about wishing you’d understood things better earlier. 🙂
Wow, Betsy, this is the real deal!
It’s so important for us to keep working on our marriages. A great relationship with our husbands makes everything else in life more enjoyable. And . . . on the flip side of that: marital troubles are a cloud that hangs over everything and steals joy!
Oh gosh! The real deal! I hope so. 🙂 You are so right that a good marriage makes for a better life and a troubled one clouds everything. I’d never really thought about it like that! Thank you!
Turn him into a clone of you. I think we can all relate! Happy anniversary!
Thank you, Sarah. Yes, I think I still try from time to time. Learning to let go and let him be himself.
So many good pieces to this post, Betsy! And the tweets are super. I could have used this encouragement Tuesday before a little Wed. “conversation” with hubby. I may or may not have raised my voice. (Insert big eyes here.) #heartencouragementThursday
Oh dear, sorry about that Kristi. I’ve had those conversations too. 🙂 Grace and peace to you, friend!
Happy Anniversary!! I love the frankness. Yes and yes and yes. Such good advice. Thank you!
I appreciate your reading, friend.
So glad I saw this post today! God is working in my heart. Your counsel is helping. Thank you!
Blessings and grace to you, friend. Thanks for stopping by. Praying now for your marriage, Julie. <3
Love the wisdom in your words, Betsy! Holding onto this reminder: “Let your husband know your needs, but look to God to meet your needs.”
I like that reminder myself. I think about it often. 🙂
This made me laugh — can’t the just do it the way we would? 😉 So true, though, to accept them as God made them. That’s usually what attracted us in the first place, right? Good words, Betsy.
Thank you, Lisa. Your reading them is a gift to me.
Excellent advice, friend! XO
Thank you, Liz!
I love this advice. I think you’re spot on when it comes to how to have a more peaceful marriage. Thank you for sharing with Grace and Truth last week. I would love to feature this tomorrow.
Thank you, Dawn. I appreciate you and your sharing this post.
Happy Anniversary! My husband and I celebrated our 30th this week. It’s amazing as I look back and see all that God has brought us through! Thank you for your encouraging words. Grateful for your wisdom!
Wow! 30 years! That’s a milestone, congratulations to you too!
This was so good. So many tweetable lines like this one: “Conflict comes with any relationship between two people who are alive and breathing” and this one, ““Let your husband know your needs, but look to God to meet your needs.”
Glad you stopped by to read, Yvonne. Blessings to you!