I adore my teens, but we drive each other up the wall sometimes. They roll their eyes and call it martial law when I get on the bandwagon and make announcements like, “From now on, we’re cleaning our rooms around here, people.” However, they both know I’m their biggest fan. I still don’t understand how my husband and I managed to produce such brilliant, fun, and creative offspring. (Only God.)
What I love about parenting is building a relationship with kids who are developing their own interests. I enjoy doing things together like karaoke cooking. My kids and I have dialogued about spiritual lessons we get from the Rolling Stones song, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Now there’s texting and exchanging photos with my son who’s away at college across eight time zones.
My bottom line parenting goal is to teach this by word and example:
I’m no expert, but I suspect most of what our kids learn from us happens in the context of relationship. Look at how God instructed His people to teach His commands to their children:
Did you get that? Sitting in the house, walking by the way, lying down, and rising. That’s a lot of togetherness! I have so much to learn, but I’ve discovered that navigating the teen years grows easier when you build the best relationship you can with your child. It starts when they’re little.
Last week I did some “scientific” Facebook research to ask experienced parents for ideas on relationship building with kids. (A few young adults with great parents chimed in too.) Here are their answers:
15 Ways to Have a Better Relationship with Your Kids.
1. Parent-Child Dates
Setting aside regular time to go out with one child for a meal or something fun helps him or her feel special. Several parents said they do this on a rotating basis and leave their other kids with their spouse or a sitter. My brother periodically meets his elementary aged kids for lunch at their school.
2. Play Together
Playing gives you a chance to laugh together, whether it’s Candy Land, Marco Polo at the pool, or gin rummy. It communicates, “I enjoy spending time with you.”
3. Family Devotional Times
Follow this link to read about why and how to do devotional times with your kids.
4. Family Dinner
Read this post for more info on how to fit family dinner in why it’s so important for kids.
5. Family Vacations
One mom of teens said she loves camping because there’s no internet!
6. Family Day
Another mom wrote, “Saturday is a family day. We sleep in late, eat a special breakfast together, and watch a movie or go on a family outing.”
7. Family Outings
Eating out together after church on Sundays, going to the zoo, and going to movies add fun and shared experiences to your relationship.
8. Read Aloud
Cuddling together with a good book bonds your hearts; you grow a repertory of shared thoughts and favorite books.
9. Attend School and Sports Events
This is bottom-line faithfulness and good, old-fashioned parenting at its best.
10. Listen
Blogging friend Holly Barret said this: “Listen when they talk. As they get older, you will hear some things you don’t want to hear. But having them talk to you and know they can tell you anything is worth it.”
11. Be Available
Put down your phone, your work, or turn off the TV when your kids want to talk or play. Julie Lefebure says, “Be available at bedtime. When (my kids) were teenagers, it seemed like bedtime was when they opened up and shared what was on their hearts. Some of those talks cut into my bedtime, but that didn’t matter.”
12. Be a Safe Place
Christy Scott Pierce said, “I assure them they can share their feelings with me. I’m a safe place…I try to ask them questions about how they feel and let them come to their own conclusions.”
13. Encourage their interests
Get involved when you can in their interest or hobby. Buy supplies they need. Share the experience by trying it out for yourself or by communicating your appreciation of their efforts. (A young photographer friend took the photos in this post when her dad took her out for a photo shoot.)
14. Watch Your Words.
Our kids can exasperate us, but we can’t let anger get the best of us. Words spoken in a moment of anger can tear your children down and negatively affect your relationship for years to come. When we have to correct, let’s do it gently and respectfully.
15. Be a Cheerleader.
Notice God at work in them and let them know what you see He’s doing. Always seek to encourage and build them up whenever you can.
I appreciated these ideas from other parents on how to build better relationships with our children, but maybe the best people to ask are our kids themselves. How about asking yours today, “What would you like to do together?” or “What’s one thing I could do to make you feel special?”
No w it’s your turn: How many children do you have? What’s your favorite thing to do with them?
If you’d like fresh servings of Faith Spilling Over delivered weekly to your inbox, enter your e-mail address in the box in the sidebar. I’d love to send you my free guide, 10 Days to More. You’ll find 10 ways to study and engage with God’s Word.
I’m linking up with Holly Barrett’s #TestimonyTuesday, Kelly Balarie’s #RaRaLinkup, Holley Gerth’s Coffee for your Heart, Crystal Storms’ #HeartEncouragement, and Arabah Joy’s Grace and Truth. Check out these communities for more encouragement.
So good! My “baby” starts high school this week, so I’m living in the land of the teens as well, and, I’m always amazed at the enthusiasm I get from them when I suggest that we all do something together — even better when the two twenty-somethings show up for it too. This is truly one of God’s greatest blessings to us as parents.
And I love the Deut. 6 emphasis because we tend to think of that applying to little kids when we’re “training” them, but it becomes even more important for teens because it’s vital that they see that our walk with God is a real thing.
Yes, it just hit me that the passage is talking about “as you live and walk and do stuff…” Blessings on your high school “baby’s” first week!
Betsy I love how you tell the to clean their rooms. I should have tried that with one of mine.
Lots of good stuff my friend. We still do so many things with our adult children today. Sometimes it is as simple as calling and saying let’s go to the DQ, and sometimes it is just to come over for a swim or go with our son and his family fishing or to the coast.
Those verses give so much wisely instruction. We are teaching always and they are always watching. I am amazed today watching an 18 month old and a 3 year repeating the good things I do and the bad so I am very careful of what I’m teaching.
Yes, they do imitate us, don’t they Debbie? I’m glad you enjoy doing things with your adult kids. That is so great to hear.
Betsy … now that my kids have kids of their own {one is 13!!!} all I could think of when I glimpsed your title was writing a post on How to Have a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids.
And if I end up doing that, I’ll be referring people right back to you!
Good stuff here. Amazing how sometimes the simplest things are the most meaningful …
Oh I’m sure you would have such wisdom to share, Linda. 🙂 Can’t wait for that post, friend!
Lovely, keeper of a list, Betsy.
Thanks!
I love this post! “Be a safe place” is one of my favorites on the list and when you have teens it’s especially important to ask a lot of questions in conversation so that they are able to learn how to process their thoughts and feelings. We can depend on the Holy Spirit to speak to their hearts as we pray for them. One of my favorite things to do with my kids is to go on family hikes and really anything that takes us out of the house. A change of scenery always produces good conversation and a lot of laughter. Thanks for writing Betsy! Visiting from #intentionaltuesday.
I liked that one too, Angela. I especially liked the reminder that sometimes we hear things we don’t want to hear, but we need to give our kids the freedom to be able to tell us anything.
These are all great methods of growing relationships, Betsy. Some come more naturally to me than others. It’s great to have a list from which to glean new ideas. Teens are fun because you can relate to them on a deeper level than you could when they were little.
I agree about teens. Loved the little years, but am loving the teen years more. What you do with them when they’re little sure carries over!
Great post, Betsy! I am now a grandmother of 13, but I raised 7 kids. My youngest will be 20 in Nov. When my kids were younger we spent lots of time cuddling and reading. In fact we continued reading aloud together even when they were adults still living at home. We would have teatime while we read. It’s so important to really listen to them starting when they are young. My kids know they can come to me with anything and we’ve had some really great discussions. Love is what holds us together even when we disagree. Blessings to you! I’m your neighbor at #CoffeeforYourHeart!
Wow, Gayl. You have a lot going on with 7 kids and 13 grandkids! I loved reading aloud. We spend many hours. When my son was in high school, we discussed what he was reading (I would be reading it too.) But my daughter doesn’t enjoy that, so I try to do other things with her. Yes, love holds us together.
All of these are wise and wonderful ideas. I agree so much. I love the idea of Being available. Of looking to their interests.
Also of being a safe place. I wish my parents had felt safe I wish they had been. It made me fearful of God and fearful of telling the truth. Being me.
I try to always tell my girls. “Tell me the truth. I won’t be mad. I want to listen and I won’t be angry. I just want you to tell me the truth and not be frightened”.
I love the idea of mini dates.
I do this!
Yes, Somer. I’m so glad you’re able to offer your kids something you didn’t have. May the Lord give you grace and courage. His mercies are new every morning! We have the possibility to change the destiny of our families! We don’t have to repeat mistakes of the past! So glad for you. May God make you a truly safe place for your girls.
Betsy,
I always appreciate your wisdom 🙂 So now you got me interested in “karaoke cooking”? And I completely agree with you about relationship being key! I was thinking about what you shared in a blog comment last time…blessings. Praying God continues to bless you and your family 🙂
Thanks, Dolly. Karaoke cooking is what I call cranking up the music and singing along (or breaking out into a dance!?) while you cook! both of my kids enjoy cooking, and so do I, so that brings joy.
Oh to be a fly on the de Cruz wall! Martial law? And karaoke cooking? You get the fun mom award. 🙂 Love the list, but especially #1 and #15.
Oh, I’m not all that fun, Lisa! They keep me young. My kids actually call me “Reşit Paşa” (Reshit Pasha) when I get into my bandwagon, martial law mode. (He was one of the military leaders who restored order to Turkey after they won independence…) I wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall at your house!
Thank you for compiling these ideas into one, convenient list Betsy! Such good stuff here that I can use right now. (I was just thinking yesterday how busy my teen is getting, and how we don’t spend as much time together.) I need to put some of these tips to action!
Yeah, I know what you mean about busy teen. One thing my daughter likes to do is walk together, so we do a lot of that whenever we can. She’s an exercise queen. I find my weeks fly by so quickly that it’s easy to let time slip by and never talk. I’m sure Garrett is busy to, and I bet walking doesn’t work for you guys! Grace to you, friend!
Thanks for this list. I tend to get busy, and just spend time with the kids doing the daily grind and homeschool. And since I’m with them all day I think, I’ve already spent time with them. It’s not the same, though, as that quality time or one-on-one time.
This is terrific, Betsy! And so true! If I’d known just how valuable do these kinds of things were, I would have to try to do them even more. The time and energy we invest in the youth of our children pays off in their adulthood. Thanks for sharing!!
Betsy,
I read through the list and at the end, I thought I didn’t do so badly after all…I remember having to fight to try to hang onto family dinner time. This, to me, was a non-negotiable! My two children are grown and my son(23) said to me the other day that one of the best things he remembers was us taking our lawn chairs (his was pint sized) out to the end of our driveway and we would sit there and “watch the world go by”. It wasn’t the big vacations or the amusement parks he remembered, so much as it was just spending unhurried time together. Great post and list!!
Blessings,
Bev
Aww! What a great memory, Bev. Sitting in lawn chairs in the driveway. Love that. Yes, I did my best to hang on to family dinner, even if it meant moving it back to 7:30 or 8:00 pm.
Wonderful very practical list!
Thank you for sharing….I do a few on your list I will consider more of these ideas
Blessings to you
Blessings to you too!
Great and much-needed advice here! My biggest struggle is #2 – playing with my kids isn’t my favorite thing to do. But you’re right – it IS a good way to build closeness with our children. Thank you for being a part of our Grace & Truth community!