A few years ago I helped both of my teens dye their hair red. My mom said I was crazy. I myself wondered if I’d gone stark, raving mad, but I figured helping them was better than dealing with red dye all over the bathroom. In the end my son had a red top, my daughter had a red lock, and I had a red spot on my nose.
The teen years bring joy as you watch your child develop his own interests and talents. Teens will keep you young if you let them. Their crazy spontaneity makes life more fun. Mine can talk about a wide variety of interesting topics at the dinner table.
Adolescence also brings a whole new set of challenges. Our kids desire more independence, but we have doubts about how much freedom they can handle. Every day brings new questions: “Mom, can I get a nose piercing?” “Can I order a beer?” I have my own questions: “Should I enforce a morning wake up time during summer vacation?”
Let’s face it. Our teens can drive us crazy, but when I think back to my own high school years, I remember my parents drove me crazy too!
How can we turn down the craziness?
Scripture provides common-sense advice:
This reminds me to major on the majors, like being a good role model and teaching my kids to love God’s Word. If I pass on values like love for others and hard work, I can relax a bit on issues like bedtimes and fashion choices.
Let Go of Some Control
I’m the first to confess that some of my parenting difficulties lie in my reluctance to relinquish control. Conflict at home can arise simply because I want things my way, just because I’m the mother. When I let go of my way, my relationship with my teens improves.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
My husband and I let our son pierce his ear. Why argue over something so small? But a tattoo? I’m sorry, but we’re not going there. In our family, a tattoo is taboo until you’re 50. This means I can get one if I want, but my kids can’t. (There I go again, exercising control!) Then again, the tattoo question pales in comparison with issues like respect for parents and taking responsibility at home, work, and school.
Allow for Growing Independence
It’s scary, but sometimes I allow my kids to make their own decisions. I call my son and say, “What time were you thinking of coming back home this evening?” I suggest that my daughter spend more time studying for a test, but I don’t push her. She knows she’s the one who will get the grade.
Encourage Your Teen
Do you ever stop to evaluate whether you give your kids more negative or more positive input? I tend to harp on the negatives, like “Don’t leave the fridge door open.” But I want to encourage my kids and cheer them on: “You did a great job on this project.” Encouragement is a powerful motivator; it feeds healthy self-esteem.
Adolescence presents a unique time to build a positive relationship with our teens as they transition into adulthood. We may not always get it right, but our honest apologies can work miracles when we let our kids know we’re trying our best to be good parents. As we seek God for wisdom, He’ll equip us to encourage and challenge our kids rather than exasperate them.
Now it’s your turn: Do you have teenagers at home? What’s a tip you can share with us?
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I’m linking up with Holly Barrett’s Testimony Tuesday, Kelly Balarie’s #RaRaLinkup, Tuesday Talk with Ruthie Gray, Holley Gerth’s Coffee for Your Heart, Lyli Dunbar’s Thought-Provoking Thursday, and Grace and Truth with Dawn Klinge. Check out these communities for more encouragement.
Wow…that’s some stage Betsy. I work with teens and I have an idea of how tasking it may be.
Thanks for the wise words of advice. Prayers sure help put some very difficult matters to rest without doing so much.
Hearty Blessings to you
Yes, Ifeoma! Prayer is key. Thanks so much for bringing that up. Great point! Blessings to you too!
I had a recurring hair color discussion the other day. I’m reluctant to pursue it since the last time we did it, I paid for it. Then she got tired of it three months later! I haven’t thumbs downed her current desire, but I did tell her that it would come from her pocketbook this time.
These are good reminders, Betsy. I try to keep in mind … Can I say “Yes?” because there are so many No’s. It certainly keeps everyone happier when you let them exercise that much-wanted freedom whenever possible.
Oh I feel your pain, Dianne! I just paid for my daughter to have TWO haircuts in a 3 week time frame. Then she lopped her own hair off in the bathroom. It looks great, but she could have saved me some money by cutting it herself in the first place!
I think your daughter paying for her own hair dye is a GREAT idea.
This is great counsel, Betsy. I need to work on more encouraging and less harping. And I am so grateful for the part about honest apologies working miracles! Have a great week!
Those apologies have worked miracles around here, let me tell you, Lois. 🙂
I remember the nose-piercing decision. It started with the oldest (who eventually had to let it go due to work-related codes), but it trickled down to my other two girls. Nose piercing? Not a big deal in our eyes. Tattoos? Yeah…still not a proponent. Of course, I’m over 50 too – maybe we should go get butterflies together.;)
Yeah, the whole pick your battles thing is a must. And the thing is, it’s ongoing, even once they’re grown and out of the house.
You didn’t want to hear that, did you?
I’m biting my tongue sometimes these days!!! Letting go ain’t easy!
Great, great words, as usual, my friend! I always love reading your stuff, you know that though.
Also, I signed up for email for the 4th time – maybe this one will take… LOL!
Yeah, I’m not crazy about the idea of a teen getting a permanent mark on their body which might not be so significant to them 5, or even 2 years down the road. My son’s friend got the medical symbol (2 snakes and wings) on his arm 3 years ago and now decided he does NOT want to work in the health profession!
This is just the encouragement I need today Betsy:) Thank you!
Blessings on your family, friend!
I love these and try to implement seeing and commenting on the positive as it seems I’m always pointing out the negative instead. Then I explain why I’m doing it to my teens as some sort of motherly justification-ughh! It sure is something I need to remember and focus on with lots of prayer to let go but still hold on loosely! Thanks for more practical, Godly tips, Betsy!
There’s so much to correct, right? It’s hard not to major on the “don’t” and “why don’t you”s! May the Lord bless you and your family, Jill.
Betsy sounds like you are busy. My kids are now in their 30s but we did choose our battles.
Great tips for today’s time. I am not into tattoos nor were my kids. Thankful for that.
I’m sure you could teach me lots, Debbie! Thanks for reading today.
Thank you, Betsy, My son is 14 and wants to color his hair white for the summer. I told him yes. He almost fell off his chair. He then asked about a tattoo. Guess he thought” since I’m on a roll maybe mom will let me.” I told him he can do whatever he wants when he is out of the house. I am with you, I pick my battles, no tattoo but hair color is different. He asks about dating. I tell him, In a group when you are 17. We discuss temptations of being alone with someone. He understands. I hope he keeps that attitude when he is 16. I also look for ways to encourage him, I tell him I love to just hang with him because he is a cool kid. I was a helicopter mom, he called me on it. Now, I am learning to stay grounded and let him fly more.
Cherrilynn, I hope you enjoy your son’s white hair this summer! 🙂 You might as well, right? I’m praying for you and your son now as he navigates through the dating stage. May the Lord keep a tight grip on his heart.
My kids are now in their mid-twenties, which is impossible, since they were only born about 5 years ago! Truly, I can’t believe how fast two and half decades have flown.
Anyhow, before we hit the teen years, I lived in fear of them. People always said, “Oh, just wait till the teen years hit.” “You won’t be close to your kids when they become teens.” “Teens and rebellion just go hand in hand.” And on an on. I was terrified of those years.
But you know what, our kids’ teenage years were awesome. We didn’t have drugs, drinking, and rebellion. We grew even closer to our kids than we had been before. (And we remain close now that they are in their twenties.)
So, may I be a voice shouting that the teenage years can be wonderful. They don’t have to be feared.
Blessings,
Patti @ Embracing Home
I’m with you, Patti! This is my favorite stage. I love my teenagers, they’re SO MUCH FUN! And they keep me on my feet, informed about pop culture, and always have an opinion about everything. We love to discuss the news, politics. And their insights into the Word of God are AWESOME. Glad you enjoyed yours too. I’m feeling bittersweet about my son being in college now. 🙂
I remember the teenage years well. Both of my sons had some time of testing me especially during high school. However, it ends up being over before you can blink. Your advice is good and does work. Learning how to “let go” of certain things gives you and your teenager the space to focus on the things that really matter. Letting go is a lesson I am still learning today with my twenty something year olds. It is a hard lesson.
Encouraging your teen is one of the best ways to build into them and at the same time provide a sense of confidence in who they are becoming. This advice never grows old no matter what age they are. Your words today gave me a reason to think back on my sons’ teenage years and realize that there is so much growth in the who they are becoming during those years. Make the most of that time and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Mary, what a gift for you to have adult kids and to see them growing. (They must be young!) I’m also SO aware of how fast these years go by. The baby years seem to drag on forever when you’re in the middle. But the teen years zip by, now I have a 19 year old and a soon-to-be 17 year old!
Excellent tips, Betsy. We have to learn to let go of our own control so they can learn to be responsible themselves. Otherwise, we’ve all seen the disastrous co-dependency that can develop. Sounds like you’re a great mama!
You’re so right about the co-dependency! We don’t want that! Parenting is like walking a tight rope, give them control, but not too much! ONly God gives us the wisdom we need. 🙂
Being past raising teenagers and now loving on my grandchildren, I want to share what I told my son when he wanted to grow his hair to his shoulders…”Yes, if you can get it up in a cap (he played high school tennis)!” Then, to the ear piercing question, I answered, “Yes, when you graduate high school.” The closer he got to graduating, I said, “Well, when you graduate college, you can.” And finally, I said, “When I die, you can get your ear pierced or a tattoo or grow your hair down your back!” We still laugh about it. He didn’t let any of the things happen that were so important at the time, and lived anyway, respecting his mother and is satisfied as a 40 year old adult now…with a 10 month old son of his own to answer questions to later! God is good…all the time! Keep loving and keep laughing!
Ha! I love that Cheryl! “When I die, you can do so and so…” My kids would get a good laugh out of that for sure.
Oh goodness, the teen years s-t-r-e-t-c-h us beyond the already gumby-like stage we got from toddlerhood. These are great tips. I’ve not done it all right, for sure, but I have learned to go to God when I’m up against one of my rules and my teen is asking for it to get pushed. I don’t want to be legalistic and only God knows whether a yes or no is okay that situation. On our knees is a good place to be. Loved this, Betsy.
Oh yes, Lisa. On our knees is the best place to be. I can learn so much from you, friend.
LOVE this encouragement today, sweet sister, you know this momma of teens needed to hear it!
Thanks, Kim. I’m sure you could teach me a lot too, girl! 🙂
I have a tween…just one more year and she will be a teenager! Being the strong willed type, she has been pushing limits since the day she was born. Yes, it’s definitely a matter of picking your battles, but standing firm on the ones you do pick! I have found that when I’m consistent in enforcing the boundaries, I get more love and respect back (after the initial tantrum). I have often said that the terrible twos are to remind us, when our kids are teens, that they WILL grow out of that phase. I’m teaching my daughter to make good choices and to think about whether they honor God, and so far it’s working, knock on wood. Thanks for a great post, Betsy!
Oh, Lisa, I have a strong-willed girl with an independent streak too. I know how that goes. May the Lord bless you and equip you as a mom!
Great thoughts, here, Betsy. With a 17-year-old and a 13-year-old who both have challenges beyond the “typical” teen issues, I find I need so much strength and grace from God.
Praying for you now a moment, Jeannie. You are an amazing woman. Simply amazing.
Love this! Thank you! #motherofa16yearold
Grace to you, Carolina! I’m sure you are a great mom. Praying for you now.
Yup. I helped my oldest son highlight his hair when he was 16.
It’s only hair, and there are so MANY important battles to be waged in these critical years.
Thanks for this breath of fresh air!
Good point, Michele! It’s only hair, right? My daughter just loped hers off with the scissors. (After I took her and paid for a haircut. 🙂 I just said, “It looks great!” And it did. Thinking about letting her cut my hair.
What a great post, Betsy! I love your suggestion to encourage your teen. How often I got caught up in the criticism instead of the encouragement when my kids were teens. Thankfully, they are gracious and forgiving adults and don’t remind me of that too often! 🙂 Great encouragement for moms in the throes of the teens years. Thanks for sharing at Testimony Tuesday.
Oh I know. Thank the Lord for gracious, forgiving kids. I’m sure you’re doing a great job with encouraging your adult children. Enjoy that grandbaby!
YES! To all of your suggestions! I came onto the mom scene a little late- my step-son was 13 when I married his dad and I was immersed full time in the parenting gig– but encouragement rather than nagging has a much better return on the investment 🙂 And we were relaxed on hair cuts/color– he wanted highlights, I provided at home- pulling his hair through those little holes in the cap… needless to say he only wanted them once! LOL! And he has turned out to be the most awesome and responsible 20 year old. ♥
Oh what a hilarious story about pulling the hair through one of those caps, Heather! I’m not surprised he only wanted that once! My daughter did that for me last year, and I never wanted it again either. May the Lord continue to bless your relationship with your young adult son by marriage!
Oh, Betsy! I knew this would be a good one! With two teenage boys and one tween girl- things can get a little crazy! I loved your comment “to major on the majors”. Oh how I’ve had to apply this one! Some things you just have to let go of, right? It’s really their hearts we’re after. I have my things in a stickler about, but I’m learning to let go of the others. I find this easier with boys than girls. I’m so glad I stopped by from #CoffeeforYourHeart.
This sounds an awful lot like what I’m learning with my 8 and 10 year olds, too! Just in a lesser degree. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, sweet Betsy! xo
Love this, Betsy. With a brand new teenager, I’m learning to allow him his independence in measured doses. We’re also teaching him that independence comes with responsibility and if he wants freedom, he needs to secure and earn it – by helping with work around the house, doing his own laundry, or just choosing to spend time with family over video games. It’s a blessing to watch them grow into who Christ intends – and continually challenging to steer without grabbing the wheel. 🙂 Thanks for your wise encouragement today.
Such wise words, Betsy! My oldest is 12, and I’m just discovering the delight of a child who is becoming a friend – not in a “buddy-buddy” kind of way. But I’m definitely enjoying her and the young woman she’s becoming by God’s grace. I think letting go of some control is so important, and is probably the most difficult. Thank you for sharing this encouragement with us at Grace & Truth!
I found this post helpful. I have teens and I want to make the best of the period. I love how you shared your experience and that relinquishing control can be good at times. Thanks for sharing!
I’m so glad if this is helpful to you, Jane. I hope you’ll enjoy the teen years as much as you can. May God equip you as a mom!