When my son left home for college, I resolved not to be That Helicopter Mom. You know, the one who texts multiple times daily, calls every afternoon, and drives down every weekend to visit her college student. After we returned from dropping him off and I finally managed to pick my quivering, weepy self up from the kitchen floor, I resolved not to call him. That resolution lasted about 13 hours.
I wasn’t sure what my new mom role should look like. It was time to let go, yet our son would also need encouragement and support from his parents while he tried out his new, independent wings.
How could I encourage my son, yet give him space?
During the college years, we enter a new phase in parenting. As we continue preparing our kids for the responsibilities of adulthood, we still need to remember this wisdom from Scripture: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Yet at the same time, the way we train our children changes as we release them to gradual independence.
Our role of cheering on our kids will never change, but now instead of caretakers, we become coaches, offering support and encouragement from afar as they grow their adulting skills.
How can we encourage and build up our new college student?
Take an Interest in Their Lives
The first year of college, our kids encounter many new experiences and may be more excited now than they ever will be again to tell us about them. Let’s take advantage of this stage to ask about their new friends, their studies, favorite teachers, or extra-curricular activities. Then let’s listen. Our relationship and involvement in our young adult children’s lives will change, but let’s keep learning about their interests.
Give Your Child Space
When your child can’t talk or doesn’t have time to come home for the weekend, don’t take it personally! It’s probably a good sign; she’s working on growing her own independent interests and responsibilities, right where she is.
During my son’s freshman year, my heart was initially crushed when he decided to go camping with friends during spring break. After I got over myself, I was thrilled at his opportunity to go on a bonding adventure with friends. Later, I enjoyed seeing photos and hearing his stories.
Offer Support When He Needs It (But Don’t Freak Out)
During my son’s first year at college, a young man in his dorm committed suicide, and more recently, he helped take a friend with a serious alcohol problem to the emergency room.
As we see our kids encounter life’s tragedies and challenges, it’s tempting to freak out, but they need us to stay calm and listen. When your child is facing situations like these, he may need you to call him more often to listen first, then offer a word of hope or encouragement.
Encourage Independence
Now is the time for control freak moms like me to let go of micromanaging. My husband is so much better at this than I am. For example, he encourages the kids to fill out their own financial aid forms, instead of handling everything himself.
I keep reminding myself, “Don’t do anything for them that they can do for themselves. You already have enough to do, and they need to learn it anyway.” Let’s help our children grow into adulthood by taking responsibility for themselves.
Give Them Permission to Grow Through Failure
Our children will make mistakes, and sometimes they need space to learn things for themselves in the school of hard knocks, just like we do. If your child overdrafts her bank account, don’t overreact. Stay positive and let her know you’re confident she’ll learn how to manage her money better in the future. But make her responsible to pay the banking fees. Having less money to spend the following month is a valuable lesson about real life.
Our child’s first year in college is a growing time not, not only for him, but also for us. We’re learning to walk in a new parenting role, as coach instead of caretaker. Sometimes we’ll be tempted to worry or micromanage. We’ll make mistakes and fall into Helicopter Mom tendencies. But as we ask God to help us trust him, He’ll give us the wisdom we need to be the parents our children need.
Note: This post is the second in a series, Sending Your Child to College.
Check out last week’s post here: “How to Encourage Your Teen as She Starts College.” I’ll take a one week break as I drop my own daughter off at college, and after I pick myself up off the kitchen floor, you can join me again August 28th for “How to Survive the Empty Nest.”
Resources to help you launch your college student:
Sticky Faith: Everyday Ideas to Build Lasting Faith in Your Kids by Kara Powell and Chap Clark.
This book is full real-life ideas to help your children start a life-long faith walk. The closing chapters on preparation for college helped our family immensely.
Fledge: Launching Your Kids Without Losing Your Mind by Brenda Yoder
I haven’t read this yet, but the title and table of contents intrigue me. A good friend recommended it, and it’s on my list to read next!
Follow this link to find me on Facebook for daily encouragement.
Linking up with Kelly Balarie’s #RaRa Linkup, Mary Geisen’s #TellHisStory, Holley Gerth’s Coffee for your Heart, Crystal Storms’ #HeartEncouragement, Lyli Dunbar’s #FaithonFire, and Arabah Joy’s Grace and Truth. Check out these communities for more encouragement.
This post contains Amazon affiliate links. Purchasing one of the resources through my link on Amazon earns me a small commission towards the maintenance of my site at no extra cost to you.
This is so encouraging, Betsy! Our three sons have all finished college now and I can honestly say it was a time of great growth for all of us. Learning to step back and be more of a coach was invaluable – it wasn’t easy, but it became easier with time. Now, with one getting married and the other two pursing careers far from home, I can see how the college years equipped all of us for this season. Many blessings! Joining you from Kelly’s link-up! xo
Wow, Laura! I’m sure you could teach me a lot! Yes, I’m just a few years behind you,with one graduating in May 2019, and the other starting school this fall! Yes, I’m sure what I’m learning now will help me in the future. Blessings to you as your family prepares for a WEDDING!
I’m about to have two college students! Loved this post! Thank you, Betsy!
May the Lord guide and direct their steps, and yours, Leslie!
Betsy … I wish I had had you alongside me about 20 years ago when I began to release my girls. You would have been a steady guide and a super-stabilizing companion.
Looking back, I think all that goes with releasing our kids can be some of the most faith-stretching moments. You realize that only God is in control.
And that, indeed, provided sobering lessons.
You are so right, Linda! These are faith-stretching moments, indeed. I so wish you were here to have a cup of coffee with me and share your 20+ years of experience at this releasing gig!
Betsy,
Mine aren’t there yet but this post was really helpful and inspiring! I am pinning it.
Thanks so much, Meghan! May the Lord bless you and yours!
Betsy,
Wise advice: “I keep reminding myself, “Don’t do anything for them that they can do for themselves. You already have enough to do, and they need to learn it anyway.”
Our girl is in 10th grade so we’re not too far off…Thanks for the wise advice 🙂 Still praying for Pastor Andrew Brunson.
Yes, I’m constantly learning this from my husband, Dolly! Let them learn things for themselves. Thanks for praying for Andrew. It is a very stressful, tense time in country.
Yet another encouraging post from a mom who leads so well. I needed this today due a morning speed bump with our oldest. Timely. Praise God. Thank you, Betsy. xo
Oh Kristi. I get you, believe me. Praying for that speed bump to smooth out easily. Wish we could have coffee! I’m sure you could teach me lots about this stage we’re both in!
I remember how difficult it was when my first child went off to college. I had to grieve the loss for quite a few months. It’s tough watching our kids make mistakes and letting them reap some of the consequences, but the lessons are important not only for them, but for us, too. Blessings to all the moms experiencing this now! 🙂
Thanks, Lisa. I also grieved a bit when my son left for college, and it took me by surprise. This time I feel more ready, I think I’ve already been grieving, but we’ll see how it goes! Yes, I’m definitely learning a lot.
Such wonderful words of wisdom that I will be holding on to this year as my oldest finishes high school. I really don’t think my heart is ready for her to be an adult (but I don’t think it ever will be!). There will be many changes in the next year or so – bittersweet changes. But my girl knows we are here for her and she can always count on us when she needs help. Thanks for sharing your post on Grace & Truth, Betsy! I will be reading the next one for sure!
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Aimee. I do appreciate you.
Betsy, I think your comments are spot on. We have a two in college (junior and freshman).
Unlike when they were younger, really let them make their own decisions. We offer advice and guidance when they ask for help. We are here to listen to their concerns and talk through problems, but the final decisions are up to them.
We check in with them from time to time and inquire about how school is going, but they know that they are responsible for getting their coursework done, meeting with advisors, etc.
Thanks for posting!
Thanks for your input here, Steve. I appreciate it. With a junior and a freshman, I’m sure you have lots of experience!